A brief guide for beginners on cold approaching. Emphasizing three main principles of mentality, approach, and matching energy.
I swallowed the pill a year and a half ago. It’s been eye-opening and I wanted to share with beginners the knowledge I’ve gained through trial and error. It’s been my mission to build my game up from the floor and the first step in getting there is mastering the cold approach. Knowledge is a fresh bowl. And guests always get the greens. Note: This guide is deliberately brief in order to emphasize simplicity and to discourage overthinking/overanalyzing which newbies do.
First step: Mentality Ego, overthinking, and overanalyzing are your enemy. Your mission when going out is to have a good time and talk to both men and women. Plain and simple. Put away all the other thoughts and bullshit. Don’t worry about numbers and sex. You’re not there yet. The added pressure you put on yourself will manifest in higher AA. Be a scientist and experiment with different actions you can do before going out. Work out. Meditate. Listen to music. All the above. Use stimulus to get your mind in a good mood.
Aside: On going solo or with friends There are advantages to both. But I’ve enjoyed going out more by myself lately. It’s fun to meet a new group of people and enjoy their company for the night. Or bounce from woman to woman quickly. You don’t get that type of freedom when operating with a group. If you do go out with friends, take only one or two people max. Women usually travel in packs and taking a couple of buddies could help. Ask yourself this question before taking friends along, «will this person add to this experience or hinder it?»
Second step: The Approach It’s the man’s job to lead. This includes conversation and approaching people. Women love to talk, but are horrible at leading conversation. Displaying strength and confidence through conversation will show her that you can lead her in other ways as well. Remember we are approaching both men and women though. «But what do I say GuestsGetGreens? I don’t wanna sound awkward. What if they reject me? What if I sound stupid?» Here’s my number one line that gives you a response 80% of the time. Are you ready? Drumroll bitches.
«Hey, how’s it going?»
That’s it. Simple right? This approach has a high success rate. Every once in awhile you get the bitch that rolls her eyes at you and walks away, but those people aren’t really worth talking to in the first place. In beginning a conversation, you have to hold the weight and do the work. But if after the approach you find yourself doing all work, bail. Conversation is reciprocation. If they’re not reciprocating, they’re not interested.
«Hey, how’s it going?» That’s it. Simple right? This approach has a high success rate.
Bland openers are the best. You don’t feel like a dumbass using them so it’s easy for beginners to hold frame/remain confident. They require no special delivery or timing. No one is going to mishear the key part and ask you «WHAT?», sucking the humor out of the line. And most importantly, it lets you know right away if she finds you physically attractive. If a Louis CK clone starts talking to a woman she’s probably going to laugh her ass off and keep the conversation going, but that initial interest is a false positive — at the end of the night she probably still doesn’t want to go home with him because he’s a lumpy, balding redhead. His game was good enough to get a foot in the door, but he’s fighting a losing battle. If he started with a bland opener the woman would have rejected him early and saved his time. On the flipside, if he started with a bland opener and she did want to keep talking to him he could be pretty certain that she’s interested in him physically as he’s given her no other reason to stick around.
One other thought — a lot of guys will be asking «OK, so once I’ve said hello and started the conversation, then what do I say?» What’s worked for me is:
- Whatever the topic is, get into the details, and
- Never miss an opportunity to pursue a new topic.
First, getting into the details (add what you know and take a few guesses so it doesn’t turn into an interrogation) produces a less superficial conversation, can produce opportunities for humor (either topical in-jokes or just comments about the absurdity of diving so far into the topic during casual conversation), and can help isolate her from the group. The idea is to turn it into a memorable conversation with just you, not a vague discussion she had with a bunch of her friends and this one guy who also jumped in.
Second, jumping into new topics — even if you think you’re having a good conversation at the moment — is almost always a good idea. It keeps her on her toes, it keeps the conversation from getting stagnant, more topics mean a greater chance at finding something she gets really excited about, and each old topic can be revisited if the conversation stalls. Obviously you don’t want to throw out 10 random questions in the first 90 seconds of talking to her; you don’t want to come across as ADD. The idea is to keep your ears open and mix it up semi-regularly.
Third Step: Match their Energy Have you ever been in a shit mood and you’re buddy is super positive and hyper? Or you haven’t had your morning coffee yet and your coworker is three cups deep, bouncing off the walls? It’s fucking annoying right? It can be overbearing. Keep this in mind when you cold approach.
My buddy works in business and it’s his job to get people to buy what he’s selling. One thing he does is match his customers energy. If they’re excited about the product, he matches their excitement and sells it quick. If they’re unsure and nervous, he’ll match that and answer as many questions as he can and give both advantages and disadvantages to the product (or course tipping the scales slightly in his favor). He uses these same techniques when he cold approaches women and is very successful in both fields.
After analyzing my game, he gave me this tip and it has helped dramatically. A happy, positive woman who wants to dance the night away does not want to hang out with the guy standing by the wall.
Examples of Possible Exchanges: That’s all there is to it. Mentality. Approach. Match their energy. The more you do it, the easier it gets and the more fluid. When you receive the first response from the person is when you match their energy. Here are some examples from this weekend.
Ex 1/ GGG: hey how’s it going? Girl: good. You? GGG: good. Just out celebrating the end of the week. Work was shit. How about yourself? Girl: same. Where do you work?
Obviously I’m pulling the weight. A two word response at first is fucking weak, but she asked how I was doing, which kept it open. She also asked where I worked, which showed me she was interested. She opened up more and we talked for 15 mins. She was nice, and was waiting for her friends to join her.
Ex 2/ GGG: hey how’s it going? Girl: good. GGG: good. What brings you out? Girls: friends birthday. GGG: cool. Is that straight vodka your drinking? Girls: water. GGG: cool. (walk away)
This girl was the DD for her group and was not having it. Of course I could tell it was water, but I tried to make her laugh. She gave me eye contact when I first engaged, but then kept her eyes on her phone for the rest of the exchange. Keep frame the whole time though. Never let them see you sweat. She was in a shit mood, not me. When I returned to my buddy he said she checked me out hard as I walked away. Her loss.
Ex 3/ GGG: hey how’s it going? Girl: (looks me up and down, then smiles) Great! How are you doing?! GGG: awesome! What brings you out tonight?! Girl: I’m actually in town for a concert! Have you heard of ____ They played downtown tonight. GGG: no I haven’t. What type of music do they play?
I later chuckled to myself as I thought back on how she looked me up and down. It’s such a blatant sexual tell women do. You can see their brains decide if they want you or not.
Ex 4/ GGG: how’s it going bro? Bro: good man. I’m about to do a shot. My sister just had a baby. GGG: congrats man! You’re gonna be an uncle. Bro: I know. Little baby boy. I’m going to teach that kid a lot. You wanna do a shot with me? I got you. GGG: sounds good man. What’s your nephew’s name?
This dude was awesome. We hung out for awhile. Later, four girls and another guy joined him and he introduced us. Ended up taking one of the girls home. This is why I stress talking to both men and women. You never know what will happen.
Cold approach is king. Remember to stay outcome independent and always maintain frame. If you’re in a positive mental state, you will attract those people into your world. Shits not going to happen for you if you don’t act though. Get out of your head and just do it. The longer you think about approaching, the more AA builds. Act quickly and trick your brain. Once you open your mouth, you’re already in it. Keep on going and match their energy.